WARNING! This blog post contains slang references to male anatomy. If you’re under 18, or squeamish, you’ve been warned.
Hello Dear Danglers! Everyone’s favorite Bobby Hedglin talks about his favorite danglers, in his typical irreverent way. I would like to mention that he included a lexicon of over 200 euphemisms for man bits which, for (ahem) matters of spacing, I had to omit. Enjoy!
“I’d like to chat with all the men in the room. It’s that thing we all love to talk about… our business, our Johnson, Biggy Smalls, Baby arm, python, dragon, lizard, and finally… my favorite subject in the world my penis. His name is Wilber (I named him after the Pig in Charlotte’s Web). I’ve come face to face with some penis trouble, and choose to share my experience head on and give you some suggestions on how to approach your own turkey baster when training acrobatics.
As male acrobats we all come up to that uncomfortable moment when our little friend gets caught, snagged, kicked, bumped, pulled or smashed. It’s never the happy meeting of body parts this prince is ultimately meant for, so let’s put our heads together and have a meeting of the minds. Since some women think our brains are down there, let’s use our “brains” and come up with some solutions to not running over our poor trouser trout and turning him into Muppet roadkill, that mangled ball of fur and flesh after a crash and burn crashing head on with a circus apparatus.
First and foremost, keep him caged!! Nothing is more dangerous to the John Thomas than letting him out to run freely off the leash by going commando when training! This is where the dance belt comes in. Ah yes, that medieval torture device that takes your mister and his set of throw pillows and thrusts it up into your pelvis while taking an elastic strap made of steel wool and placing it in your butt crack…. yes, that old thing. Giving new light to the term “Asses of fire”. Created to stop ruptures and hernias from blooming the dance belt has been a life saver for my wooley jonhson. The necessary evil we need to protect the little fellow. Couple of notes. There ARE dance belts that don’t have the butt crack strap and are fully seated for extra comfort. You can also sew a patch of fabric over the elastic butt floss and it will be more comfortable.
Boxers or briefs? I’ve always been a briefs or tighty whitey kinda guy so I was used to the “lift and separate” but it’s been drilled into our collective unconscious that if you want to have the honor of bringing children into the world you need to create world class swimmers and you do that by wearing boxers. A common misconception in the cultivation of a crop of minnows destined to find an egg. I’ve known several men who have fathered children who have shared that they only wear briefs. It is better for you to wear boxers, but it’s not impossible if you prefer a more streamline hipster penis look. Now, there are you guys who are free spirits who want to let the little Llama run free in boxers, that’s totally acceptable and always a personal preference, but I digress, let’s get back to the “business” at hand (All puns intended). Boxers are deadly to the little Frank if you’re training. Not only do they create unsightly wrinkles in your skinny jeans, they also create “frog butt”, the bunching of fabric in the back of your pants… not cute fellas, not cute. Chicks dig guys with nice butts, (and some guys like them too) don’t mess it up with boxers…you could try boxer briefs too, they are quite comfy and no undie lines under jeans or pants 🙂
Now, on to tricks, moves, training in the air. Once you’ve caged the monster, you have to remember in the air PLACEMENT IS KEY! When you wrap fabric, rope, trapeze bars, make sure you lift the thighs high when inverting, and when climbing above wraps, climb higher above any wraps and sinking down, make sure the fabric or rope rolls up your inner thigh and not through center, splitting your tower lamp and back up generators in two. This can be very painful. Finding placement on the apparatus with your apparatus is key. Work your tricks “slow and low” especially work the wrap for drops several times before going for it. Any drop, wrap or move that needs to go through the center of your crotch, make sure the material of the apparatus goes to one side or the other. No need to test your high notes in singing class by placing it front and center. You will eventually find a move that does cause some kind of snatch and grab and you will have worked through the most part of the trick and it won’t be as bad. On a personal note, I had created a very cool slack drop on Hammock about 15 years ago… I went for it and caught my tropical mushroom in the fabric at the bottom. I was in excruciating pain, and the resulting bruise on the barrel of my rifle was about the size of a quarter. I sent a photo to my partner at the time because he didn’t believe me, and he laughed and nicknamed my delicate flower “Barney the Purple dinosaur”. Luckily this wasn’t an accident that needed medical treatment but it could have been really bad. BE CAREFUL with your wacky inflatable arm flailing tube man !
With all acrobatics, aerial, duo work, partner acro, trapeze, gymnastics always remember that it’s better to be safe than sorry. You only get one member in this life and you should protect him, love him and hug him and call him George!(or whatever name you might give him). With all jokes aside, I’ve found a dance belt to be key to safety for the man bits. Stretching, warm up, as well as proper attire is always the first line of defense in protecting your one eyed trouser trout. Working through every transition “slow and low” and trying new things, testing the waters in a controlled, safe environment with a trained coach. Always keeping in mind that our little one eyed trouser trout on a bed of pubic hair pasta is resilient, and will bounce back into shape quickly after any injury, but let’s not test fate by being reckless.
If I missed any slang terms for Penis, you can add to this list by commenting below.”
Bobby Hedglin Taylor
Why walk when you can fly!
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